what we had thought before we met. what we had decided before we started.

Last night, after having a daily mass on the evening, K and I were sitting on a bumpy chair with trembling table in the food court we usually go to, waiting for our Vietnamese foods. K was talking about a Korean TV show, named “짝”, which I’d never watched before. According to her, the reality program is a story about men and women who seek the right person for their future, so that they make every kind of ways to seduce the desired person, only limited to hiding their names. I was thinking the idea that making names anonymous (but still exposing most of their background information, such as wealth, education, occupation, and appearance) is ridiculous and useless. K stressed a couple in the show that she was recently impressed. The most impressive to K was that, the couple, combined a men, who was half Korean and half Japanese, and a women, who was raised in Australia after her family immigrated to the island, was never affected by the other guys, eyeing each other, concentrating each other, and making a progress without any hesitation. They thought they finally met the right person. The right future spouse. But finally they took a part, leaving crying and torn hearts. They so liked to get together, but they couldn’t. The men wanted to live in Korea while the women longed to comeback to her citizenship country, Aussie island, and make a family there. The guy had never experienced a complete, and warm-aired family, while the lady had enjoyed full of happiness given from her family side. They are different. But they were so eager to be with each other. Finally, they could not overcome the differences.

K’s question was drawn.

What was the most important thing should we get before starting the new relationship? What if we are at the right age of marriage so that we are somewhat concerned with the big change in our life? Physical consideration, or just a fact that we have a person whom we love, and want to be with? It would be so costly and regretful if we have to take apart only because of that kind of physical reasons, such like different place of background or different culture of the family. We all are different. And a relationship, a marriage, and living together is a process of finding a common part, making oneself be similar to the other, and thus finally be the one. But, I pointed that, the couple K mentioned, would meet again if they fail to persuade themselves and have a new courage to overcome the issue. Love, is sometimes very materialized thing, but sometimes not.

I argued.

I was thinking of that, too, when I was 20, or 21. Now, I am increasingly worried about those things that you hate. I am afraid of meeting a person whom I do not know before, not only because I do not want to throw myself into the risky situation, but also I am a little bit tired of making myself fitted to the uncomfortable surroundings caused by the newly created relationship. I like a person who already has a familiar stuffs that I had had. Catholic culture, or willingness to accept the culture is the only one that I limit at this point, but there could be more things going along the way. I know it is not a perfect, not an ideal, not a desired thing for a relationship, but I am the one who I am like that. I became the one.

I asked her.

How about your own life? Has it been the similar with those you think?

And she replied.

It has been. I usually did.

She said she was trying to fix the differences while she dated with me. And she pointed out that I did not try as much as she did. We were so different. I thought that it should be impossible to get married with her, because of the differences that I was never able to make a reliable solution for the long term. I thought. But she tried. She tried to do something that she might think that it would work. It did not work, not only because her idea might be wrong, but also because I did not actively follow her solution. Now she turns to 31 this year, and has one more year to graduate and get doctoral degree in economics. We became friends, but were never recovered from the suture that we made.

So, we did not make any conclusion during the short time of the dinner last night. We just turned to the other topics, such as a new young girlfriend of S, or how boring the C’s class is, or so. Then, we went to my house, took my car, and went to Staples to buy some useless small supplies to make ourselves feel escaped from the school things. I then headed to her apartment, and made her got off. She said thanks and bye, and went to her place. I drove back to my apartment with some supplies, listening to some music that I usually play when I drive in evening or late night.

In a relationship, seeing each other is a process of making our own lens and decide what we want to see. We could decide the place where we stand, direction we are going to focus, composition of the frame when we put a shutter, and so on. The object is sometimes distorted, exaggerated, or even disappeared. I do not have any guilty on it. And I do not hope that I can make the person be the one whom I had longed for since I meet anyone in any situation. I do not have an ability to do so, and I believe it is not the right thing. At this moment, the only thing I have in my mind is that, I am ready to be the one who will try to understand the person whom I will meet in any time in my life, and accept any suggestion that the person will give me to make a situation better, to more positive way.

9 thoughts on “what we had thought before we met. what we had decided before we started.

  1. 성격이나 가치관이 맞지 않는 것이랑
    물리적으로 (다른 나라에 산다든지, 동서부에 떨어져 산다든지)는
    다른 종류의 문제이지만
    누군가를 만나는데 걸림돌이 되다는 것운 사실.

    나이가 들면서는 ‘안될 줄 아는’ (어떤 이유에서건)
    관계에는 자신을 쏟아붓거나, 투자가 하기가
    싫거나, 두려운듯.

  2. 개인적으로 결혼, 혹은 이성과의 관계에서 의미있게 새기는 말이 있어요. “결혼이라는 것은 자신이 지니고 있는 이성(異性)의 측면과의 만남”이라는 구절이에요. 이미 읽으셨을 수도 있지만 조셉 캠벨 『신화의 힘』이란 책에 나오는 말이지요. 나의 고유한 개성, 지금껏 몸에 익혀놓은 습관들을 어느선까지 상대와 조율해야하는지에 관한 조언이라 생각하거든요.

    관련된 부분을 의미있게 읽었던터라 따로 인터넷 상에 저장해 놓은 것이 있는데, 혹여 도움이될까싶어 소개해드립니다. http://miluiver.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/myth

    • 링크 걸어주신 내용 잘 읽었어요. 신화적이고 기호학적인 아이디어가 재미있네요. 결혼을 생각할 때 참고해 봄직한 괜찮은 충고같아요. 감사합니다.

  3. 종혁님이 요즘 이런것에 대해 생각이 많으신가봐요. ^^
    쓰고싶은 말이 많은데 너어무 많아서 못쓰겠어요. 가뜩이나 항상 글이 긴데 괜히 혼자 횡설수설할것같은 느낌? OTL
    우리 다음에 보면 함 진지하게 애기해보아요. ㅋ

    • 제가 나이가 이제 찼잖아요. 한국 나이로는 서른을 넘겼는데 아무래도 슬슬 생각을 하지 않을 수가 없는 것 같아요. 저 정말 뉴욕 꼭 갈게요. 가서 좋은 말씀 많이 듣고 오고 싶어요.

  4. 복잡해요 =__=
    나이를 먹을수록 뜨거운 감정에 휩쓸리기엔 현실의 무게가 너무 무거워지는거고, 감정이라는것도 좀 미지근해지는게 아닌가 싶어요. 결론은 그냥 나이를 거꾸로 먹는거라고 생각하는게 가장 쉬울까요? ㅋ

    • 이래서 철없을 때 결혼하는 것도 나쁘지 않다고 어르신들이 말씀하셨나봐요. 정신없는 젊은 시절을 함께 이겨내는 것도 나빠보이지 않더라구요. 이젠 다 지나간 이야기가 되어 버렸지만. 전 제가 어떤 사람을 원하고, 또 어떤 사람과 사는 것이 가장 행복할 지 이제는 조금 알 것 같아요. 문제는 그런 사람을 만날 기회가 주어지지 않을 수도 있다는 거죠. 그래서 생각이 많아지는 것 같아요.

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